Psychic Marital Counselors
by Big R
Summary: Shawn has finally figured out how to get Lassie to like him. He'll save his marriage! Lassie/his wife with some shules.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my first fanfic and if it is bad, I apologize. I don't own psych, by the way. If it is bad, still review!!! Please!!!

The Idea

Shawn and Gus walked into the Psych office, laughing. "Dude, did you see Lassie's face when I put the flower and dirt on his head?" Shawn asked.

"Yeah, he looked like he wanted to strangle you with his tie. Why did you do that again? Besides to piss off Lassiter?"

"Duh, Gus, because the killer was reading that stupid story about the girl with the flower on her head at the library. I still can't believe we solved that case so quickly."

"Yeah," Gus sighed. "It's too bad we can't solve all our cases that quickly. This one went perfectly."

"Almost perfectly." Shawn muttered. Juliet hadn't been there to see it, and he didn't like missing opportunities to show off to her. After all, he didn't have many chances to impress her, and he needed to use them all if he ever wanted her to go out with him.

"What do you mean by that Shawn? Are you mad that I figured out that she was poisoning him with his Viagra?"

"No, it's just…" Shawn thought quickly for a second. "Lassie! His negative attitude is really starting to get annoying."

Gus frowned. "I know, he was blocking us every step of the way! We need to get him to trust us, Shawn."

Shawn nodded. "Yeah, if he stopped questioning my psychic-ness we could get way more cases. We might even be able to afford an X-box 360!"

"Then we could show the world our amazing Halo teamwork. I think we might be nationally ranked." Gus said. They were good, but according to his latest issue of Microsoft Monthly, the top ranked team in the country was Jack's Mafia and The Peacemaker. However, Gus was sure that he and Shawn could take them on any day.

"We need to find a way to not only win Lassie's respect and adoration, but convince him I'm a psychic." Shawn said.

"Maybe we should kill his Father-in-law for him. He'd love us then."

"And he'd get to arrest us! It'd be his dream come true! Dude, that would be worth seriously considering if it proved I was a psychic."

"And if it were legal." Gus muttered.

They sat in silence, both trying to think of a way to impress Lassiter. Gus was contemplating how they could get away with murder when Shawn suddenly said, "I have an idea. It's a little crazy, but it just might work."

Gus glared at the psychic. "Shawn, if it's about Mexico, you can just shut up now." When Shawn frowned but didn't say anything and Gus snorted. Shawn's obsession with Mexico was really unhealthy. Anytime Shawn talked Gus into going down with him, he always ended up drunk and in a hospital or Jail. Once he ended up in both and it was "worth every second of the physical rehab afterwards" according to Shawn.

They sat in silence for a moment longer. Shawn was still trying to think of a way of convincing Gus that taking Lassiter down to the border a few times and escaping alive would definitely earn his respect when he suddenly had a better but equally dangerous idea. He started to do The Smile, the one he always did when he had an insane idea that could work, if they managed to pull it off. He looked over and saw Gus was starting to get nervous. That just made him smile more and make Gus more afraid. After all, adventures that started with this smile usually ended in disaster. Not this time, though. Shawn was sure that this would work.

"Dude," Shawn said happily, "We're going to be Psychic Marital Counselors!"

"What?!" Gus shrieked. Shawn winced as he felt something tear in his eardrum. "Are you crazy Shawn? Lassiter hates us! Especially you! If he thinks your faking your psychic detective work, why would he believe you could use psychic powers to fix his marriage? There is no way in hell he would allow us to even talk to his wife, let alone find out why she is trying to divorce him. You are insane, Shawn. I should start looking into good psychologists."

Shawn smiled. "Gus, this could totally work. You left a lot of facts out of your argument. By the way, if our detective agency ever fails, we should become psychic-ologists."

Gus was getting pissed now, so he ignored the lame joke. "What am I forgetting Shawn? Are you and Lassiter secretly friends?"

"Not yet, but I think we will be after I save his marriage."

"Shawn! He won't let you help him. Why would he?"

"First of all, Gus, he has seen us work. Even though he doubts my validity as a psychic, he knows I'm good and I can solve crimes. Secondly, He told me that he has tried everything to patch things up. Even acupuncture! Since he is that desperate, there is no way he would turn down someone, like us, who have been proven to get results. Also, I figured we'd talk to his wife first and get her on board before we talk to Lassie so he can't refuse."

He had a point, Gus thought as he calmed down. But a new doubt reached him and he decided to voice it.

"Alright, even if you can get them to agree, what makes you think you can get them back together when nothing else could?"

"Gus! I'm a psychic! I can 'read their innermost thoughts and desires' and tell them that they want to get together. I can watch how they interact and give them pointers privately. Plus, I would have you to help me."

"Shawn, what makes you think I could help? I'm a pharmaceutical salesman!"

"Yeah, but you watch Dr. Phil a lot. I'll bet you know a lot about counseling. In fact, if you weren't so good at what you did now, you could have your own T.V. show called Dr. Gus."

Gus smiled as he pictured it. "Yeah, and you know, I was a peer mediator in middle school. I even resolved the fight between Billy Crosniac and Cindy Pontamo."

"You sure did, Gus. You were the best peer mediator that school ever saw. We can do this. We can make things right with Lassie's marriage and get him happy with us." And maybe impress a certain junior detective, Shawn thought with a smile.

Whenever Gus was with Shawn, he did things he normally wouldn't do. He broke rules, he did dangerous things, and he often went against his own common sense. However, sometimes Shawn talked him in to things that were absolutely insane. Gus had an odd feeling that this was one of these times, but he still said, "Let's do it."

Well, there it is. Please Review it and let me know what you thought. Don't worry, Lassiter is in the next chapter. I think…


	2. Chapter 2

Here it is! Chapter two. I still don't own Psych, but I'm getting there. Remember, please review!!!

Juliet O'Hara sighed as she walked back into the police office. She had just came back from the vet. She hated missing work, but her cat was way more important. It had been pregnant for along time and finally had its babies. She smiled as she remembered Shawn's eager insistence that she name one of the kittens Mrs. Pickles. Speaking of Shawn, Juliet glanced over at Detective Lassiter. He looked like he was trying to yell some poor rookie to death. She could see that he was more pissed off than usual. Shawn must have stopped by. She went over to Buzz and said "Hey Buzz. Why is Carlton so angry this morning?"

Buzz suppressed a laugh as he turned to Juliet. "Well, Shawn solved the Nibean Bay Killer case while you were gone. It turns out the librarian did it."

Juliet nodded, once again marveling at Shawn's psychic prowess. He's just too good, she thought to herself, not sure if she was only referring to his crime solving abilities. "Yeah, but Lassiter isn't usually this mad when he gets shown up. Did something extra happen today?"

Buzz nodded, his eyes alight with delight. "Yeah, Shawn poured a potted flower on his head. I've never seen someone that angry before. I could swear the flower would have caught fire if he hadn't brushed it off his head."

Juliet, trying desperately not to laugh, said "Why did he do that?" It was hard to imagine what the spirits told him to prompt such an unusual act.

Buzz, who was about to start laughing just at the memory, managed to say "Apparently the librarian was reading Daisy Head Mayzie down at the library." He laughed as he remembered Lassiter ripping up the book when he made the arrest.

Juliet couldn't help but burst into laughter now. Daisy Head Mayzie been her favorite book when she was younger. It was about how a little girl had a flower suddenly grow on her head. She could now imagine Lassiter with a giant sunflower growing out of his head and had to laugh. She would definitely congratulate Shawn on his ingenuity later.

Lassiter, who heard the laughter, whipped his head in Juliet's direction. She saw murder in his eyes and gulped.

"O'Hara! In the name of all that is holy, why are you late?!?!" Lassiter yelled. Juliet could feel force of his words hit her and she actually took a few steps back. Maybe she wouldn't live to congratulate Shawn.

Carlton Lassiter was having a bad day. He had overslept and had no time to eat breakfast before his morning jog. His power bar, which he saved for emergencies (like the one he was experiencing), was melted. He had burned his tongue on his coffee. Still, he was in a somewhat good mood until _HE _came in.

It was bad enough that Shawn upstaged him and solved the crime far faster than Lassiter thought he should be allowed to. He had to admit that this "psychic" was good, but come on. Only one day? That was ridiculous! He had been trying to track the killer down for over a week, and Spencer just waltzed in and figured out the librarian did it. That always irritated the hell out of him, how someone could be so annoying yet so useful that he wasn't allowed to arrest them. Today, however, he would find an excuse to arrest Shawn. He didn't care if had to follow him around, praying to catch him speeding on his stupid motorcycle. No one got away with pouring dirt on his head and sticking a flower proudly on top, announcing that the killer was a fan of children's books. This time Spencer had gone too far. Did he have any idea how long it took to wash the dirt out of his hair? He was in the middle of taking some of his anger out on some stupid rookie who had the nerve to ask when lunch break was when he heard a laugh. A laugh!!

He whirled around and saw O'Hara laughing at something McNabb had said. She usually laughed around… _HIM_… Lassiter's anger doubled at being reminded of the psychic and yelled "O'Hara! In the name of all that is holy, why are you late?!?!"

Before she could answer the last voice he wanted to hear in the world called out from behind her "Lassie! Did you miss me as much as I missed you?"

_One hour earlier_

Shawn and Gus had piled into Gus's blue car after printing out Lassiter's soon to be ex wife's house address from mapquest and driven off, in high spirits that things would go well. However after driving along for ten minutes, Gus began to have some more doubts.

"What if she's a jerk, Shawn? You saw how her father was. What if she's Daddy's little girl? I bet she'll just slam the door in our faces."

"Gus, don't be a gooey chocolate chip cookie. I told you, even if she hates us, she still wants to get back together with Lassie face. They've been separated for two years, but she hasn't pushed him into a divorce yet. We'll convince her. There's no doubt in my mind."

"For once I wish I had your mind." Gus muttered, as he started to try his Lamaze breathing to calm down.

Shawn looked over at his friend. "Dude, I told you not to do that unless you were pregnant!" When Gus just glared at him, Shawn gasped. "Gus! You are pregnant! I thought I taught you to use protection! Who's the father? Is it someone I know?"

"Shut up, Shawn." Gus said, knowing no amount of Lamazeing would calm him down.

"Is it Lassie? That might explain why you're so reluctant to try to help him get back with his wife. Maybe I should congratulate him." Shawn pulled out his phone and started to dial Lassiter's number until Gus hit him upside his head.

"I'm not pregnant, Shawn. And if you ever suggest I'm "getting it on" with Lassiter again, I'll shove you foot so far up your-"He was cut off when Shawn yelled, "We're here!" and jumped out of the car. Gus shook his head and groaned nervously as he walked up to the front door with Shawn.

As Shawn reached the door, he quickly rang the doorbell. Nobody answered. He tried again. And a third time. And a fourth time. When he reached for the doorbell again, Gus hit his hand away.

"No one is answering Shawn. She's not home."

Shawn was once again amazed at his stupid his normally smart friend could be. "Gus, her car's in the driveway. Unless she has another car, which a single woman would not need, she is home and ignoring us. You know how much I hate being ignored." Gus just shrugged and tried the doorbell himself. No one answered.

Shawn played Twinkle Twinkle on the doorbell. Then he played Jingle Bells. He was halfway through a song he made up, "Ode to the Pineapple" when a woman with an angry expression on her face threw the door open. She was about 5'9 with shoulder length black hair, and Shawn would have thought she was pretty if she wasn't staring angrily at him. The fact she was Lassiter's (almost ex) wife took away from her appearance as well.

"What do you want?" She said angrily, staring at them. Her expression softened as Shawn said.

"Mrs. Lassiter, my name is Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Dr. Gus"Gus nodded to her. "We are-"

"You're a psychic. You work with Carl- with the SBPD sometimes." She said. "I've seen you in the papers."

Gus and Shawn exchanged smug looks as they heard the near slip. "May we come in? We have urgent matters to discuss with you."

Her eyes widened fearfully as she wondered what they wanted. What if Carlton was in trouble? "Certainly. Please, make yourselves at home."

Shawn turned and smirked to Gus. They were in! "Dude, I told you she wouldn't slam the door in our faces."

What will happen next? Who Knows? Not me! Anyway, please review. I'm begging here.


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